Friday, June 7, 2013

What NOT to say...

Just a list of things NOT to say to a woman who is struggling with infertility...

"Just stop trying so hard, and it will happen." (Umm. Okay. You kind of have to do certain things for "it" to happen)

"We weren't even trying! Oops!" (High five. In the face. With a chair)

"Everything happens for a reason." (Please tell me why I can't have a child yet a 13 year old can.)

"I don't want kids right now so if I do accidentally get pregnant, I'll just give it to you!" (Please don't reproduce.)

"I was on birth control then oops!" (Shut. Up.)

"Just be thankful you have Harper" (I'm so thankful, but don't make me feel guilty for wanting another child as if I don't think just having Harper is good enough.)

"I wasn't even sure I wanted another one." (Well, congratulations)

"So when are you going to have another baby?" (MOST of the time this comes from people who don't know better, but it sucks all the same.)

"Maybe it's not meant to be." (Wth?)

"It's probably because you're stressed out about it."

And stop with the advice. I've heard it all.


Ronni said...

I'm very sorry. I do know how hard infertility can be (though I prefer to think of it as "sub"-fertility, as many people who struggle to conceive do eventually find ways to add to their families). We tried for two years before I had my daughter and I'm actually fresh off an early miscarriage right now too.

However, I've also learned how to have a different mindset about TTC. Yeah, I'm sad about things, but I've also found ways to not let it make me bitter or upset. I'll admit that I was very bitter when TTC my daughter. But I have had to come to trust that so much of this is out of my hands and that I have to accept things that happen.

So in a way, I do actually have the mindset of "maybe it's not meant to be" or that "things happen for a reason". I don't tell this to other of course, but it is what I tell myself. I don't know why I was able to get excited about having a sibling for my daughter, and then that excitement was just taken away, just like that. But I accept that a sibling, at this time, is apparently not meant to be.

I don't always think that people mean bad when they says things like above. They just don't know what to say. I'm sure I'm said many things in the past to people that they've thought were rude or inconsiderate, but I really didn't know any better. When people say things like the above to me, I either ignore it or just smile, or maybe find a way to politely educate on how that can come across as rude. Many people honestly don't know.

Though it sounds like such a cliche, and I hate to admit it, both times I conceived, I was actually relaxed and just having fun and not "trying" super hard. So maybe there is something to be said about stress? I don't know.

And honestly, even though I desperately want a sibling for my daughter, I am seriously so beyond blessed to have her and have even had the chance to be a mom (I still vividly remember when I didn't even know if I'd get that chance), that even if I never get another kid, I still consider myself extremely lucky to have her.

Honestly I just think that this whole trying-to-conceive business is a crap shoot. Sometimes it works for some people; sometimes it doesn't. I guess I fall into the category of those that it happen easily to.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this and I hope that both of us will get siblings for our kids one day.

Sharon said...

Soooooooo true! I often felt the urge to be violent when people said these STUPID things! I'm so sorry's hard enough going through it without stupid people making it worse.:(